Who is this Dude I See?
Mulan is one of the most impactful movies I’ve watched. The legend of Mulan is about a woman who left the idea of being a dutiful daughter. And as war loomed, she decided to be a soldier and took her father's place in the royal army. In the army she took on a new role, she became Hua Jun.
As a woman, she had to fulfil her role of bringing honour to her family. And as a soldier, she had to go against being a woman and risk dishonour to her family to save her Father.
At its core, Mulan is a story about the struggle with identity and purpose. And it echoed mine.
Family First
The Chinese culture has an emphasis on the concept of Filial Piety. To take care and bring a good name to one’s parents and ancestors.
That was Mulan’s responsibility as a daughter. Her identity revolved around being a woman. It was her purpose to be good enough to marry a man. This would take care of her parents and bring a good name to her family.
For me, as the eldest son, it was about taking care of my parents. My mother has a fear of growing old. And while I was growing up, she would often stress that I had to take care of her when she was older.
That was my purpose. And as I grew older, it added weight to the decisions I wanted to make. My choices had to lead towards a future of having to take care of my family.
Entering the job search, this identity weighed me down. I looked for corporate jobs at big companies or with high salaries even if I wasn't interested in them. I was forcing an identity upon myself. I thought doing so would make my family proud. I applied a ton and interviewed at some. But no one called back. They could sense that I didn’t want it.
Being an Imposter
Frustrated, I decided to try making it on my own. I believed a new identity would create a new purpose. Heading over to Yangon presented a way to start afresh. I started a business and assumed the identity of a business owner. But, when people asked, I would avoid saying I was one. I was afraid that they would call me out. That a graded report would drop on my lap with a big "F" saying that I failed as a business owner.
The scenes where Mulan was in the army felt the same. She had to hide who she was, dance around questions and avoid interactions with others. She hid behind the identity of a soldier.
Living that identity caused me a lot of stress. It didn't lead me down the rainbow to a pot of gold either. I felt out of place. Often questioning my own decision making. Making decisions on hiring and firing were often difficult. I was hiring staff that had a decade of experience over me and had to fire them if they weren’t performing. But, who was I to make decisions that would impact the lives of my staff? To do something daily and knowing deep down I wasn’t qualified to. I tied my identity to what I did for work and not who I was.
There was a fight scene in Mulan where she displayed her real prowess during training. But when people started to recognise her for it, she backed away and started to hide it away again.
There were moments in life that I felt spurts of being able to do what I identified with. Being creative. But, that took away from my time and identity as a business owner. So I backed away. Shoving that identity down my back pocket.
In the middle of the movie, Mulan was fighting the villain. Who before dealing the final blow, told her that she could never win because she hasn't accepted who she was. Mulan survived the attack. After recovering, she accepted her identity as Mulan.
Another Try
In July 2019, I decided to move back to Singapore. I got tired of being who I was not. I craved the feeling of working towards a purpose. I moved back to Singapore. Hoping that home would bring me clarity on who I was. But it didn't go well.
As Mulan returned as herself, the troops got suspicious of her. Even though she saved their lives, her true identity got her dismissed as she had lied about it.
Coming back to Singapore I was afraid of getting found out as a fraud. With nothing to show for from my experience in Yangon.
I felt I was Mulan. That even though I was doing something with the aim of helping others, I didn't belong. I was avoiding people. I didn’t want them asking why I moved back. I knew they were being curious, but it felt awfully like they were evaluating me.
I came back home ready to start anew, but I still didn't dare to.
I was afraid of committing myself to an identity.
I was still insistent in being anything else but what I wanted to be.
As we entered the middle of the year and the pandemic, I was at a crossroads. I was a year from turning 30, lost my job and didn't know which direction to head to.
Fear is the Mind Killer
I was at a point where I had nothing to lose. As Mulan facing the villain, there was only one way to rise up from the situation. To accept who I was.
I realised that the fear I had was of losing my identity if I failed. But somehow, that fear was the compass that pointed me in the right direction. Because, how can I lose an identity I didn't have in the first place?
There are moments in life where you can chart the shift in the things you do and your beliefs. Like the day I decided I was a media student or the day I was a soldier. Now I remember the day I decided to embrace an identity.
It wasn't a dramatic event. There were no celebrations. It was a subtle but important shift.
At that point, I decided to speak the words, "I'm a creator."
James Clear discusses identity as “repeated beingness.” Every habit you choose to perform, good or bad, is a reinforcement of your identity.
You have to:
1) Decide the type of person you want to be
2) Prove it to yourself with small wins
It is important to know that your identity shapes what you do and your beliefs. That manifesting your identity is one of the most important life decisions one can make.
Mulan ended the story by saving the emperor and bringing honour to her family by doing so.
By telling myself I was a creator, I made THE decision. Now I know how my story will unfold.