My Worst Habit
The noon sun was overhead. I was inhaling dirt kicked up by boots.
I've gotten used to the 30kg load we had to live with the past 3 weeks.
But this time my vision was getting groggy. Yet I willed my feet to move. Steam was rising from our uniforms. And the smell of sweat lingered heavy.
"One foot in front of the other."
My hands gripped a rope. Dragging an 80kg tire along a dirt road.
We were in the toughest part of the Guards Conversion Course. A military boot camp that a selected few in the Singapore Army had to go through.
The Rite Of Passage
It consisted of a series of elements designed to challenge the strength, grit and resilience of the soldiers. Tasked to test us were the cadres. Whose job is to shout, torment and throw obstacles at us, trying to coerce us to give up at the toughest points.
This was where I first discovered something I didn't know I had in me before.
If you've read a few of my posts you know I do a lot of introspection.
And I've noticed something through my writing.
I have a bad habit.
I only realised it was a habit recently. But it has been with me for almost 8 years.
And it could be the best bad habit someone could have.
It has brought me acclaim, likes on social media and respect from my peers.
It has also given me grief, emptiness and constant disappointment.
Unlike atomic habits, this one's nuclear.
Beginning
I was one year into my military service. After completing my section leader training I found out I was posted to the Guards Battalion.
And my heart dropped.
The Guards Battalion is an elite heliborne infantry unit and one of the toughest in the Singapore Armed Forces.
On the first day of the GCC, the cadres made it a point to intimidate you. Their goal was to make you quit, and mine was to not. It was the staring contest from hell.
The climax of this was the Rite of Passage (RoP) and it happened at the end of 3 weeks. By that time, some of us got injured and had to leave the course.
We had to take a ferry to an island where we had to work as a team to pass the challenges our cadres threw at us.
When we were all exhausted. I wanted to give up. But I didn't want to ring the bell.
That's when I thought: "The only way to get out of this without ringing the bell is to get injured."
So I decided to run myself to the ground. To push myself so hard that my body would decide to give up on me.
I went ham.
Onlookers would think those actions epitomised the phrase: "He ain't heavy, he's my brother."
But in reality, I was looking for a way to run myself to the ground.
I was pushing myself to the brink, hoping that my foot landed in a pothole. Wishing that I would twist and ankle. It would be a dignified way to end the misery.
But every pothole I stepped into proved my ankle was tougher than I thought.
When a fellow soldier was so exhausted he couldn't walk. I carried his weight on my shoulders. But within a few steps, I collapsed. The soldier I was carrying and I crumpled into a heap.
A medic rushed to our aid and inspected the incident. Noticing my condition, he took my temperature.
It was 39 C (100 F).
A soldier splashed some water on me in an attempt to cool me down. When I came to, I was face to face with the medic.
He looked me dead in the eye.
"Do you want to quit?"
This was my chance, the way out I've been looking for. I've pushed myself to the brink of heatstroke.
"No."
Since that moment, I've realised I can do more than I thought I could handle
In an attempt to exhaust myself, I almost went to the hospital. But, I also completed the GCC along with 40 fellow soldiers.
After completing the GCC.
80/20 is not the magic number. 40% is.
"When your mind is telling you you're done, you're really only 40% done." - David Goggins.
GCC was a bedrock experience. The first time I experienced the 40% rule.
Even as I tried my best to exhaust myself physically my mind wouldn’t give up. It was only 40% done.
Since then, I’ve made a habit to tell myself that, whenever I face an obstacle, I’m only 40% there. To consistently attempt to push limits. To seek experiences that further affirms my resilience. Sometimes taking things to the extreme. Both good and bad ways.
From:
Binge drinking and partying
Multiple projects at the same time
Losing 9 kg (20 lbs) in 2 months
Running 300km in 1 month.
We can handle so much more than we realise. Even if sometimes, it takes going to the extremes.
This applies to you as well. If you’re on a side project, at the gym or anywhere in life, think of the 40%. That you’re only using 40% of your creative energy, physical strength or motivation to get you by. There is a well of energy within you to help you dig deeper. To ignore the mental limits we so often place on ourselves.
Special thanks to Zain for help with the feedback!
p.s. Check out the whole experience in the video below.